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The need for a laugh thread


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  • 2 weeks later...

last night I laughed myself into a cluster.  never knew that was possible......................  but anyways, for those of you who have smart phones and text often, you MUST check this site out.  my cheeks and stomach still ache 20 hours later from laughing so hard   ;D

www.damnyouautocorrect.com

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Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Dave, you're a vet..."

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# No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

# When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

# If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.

# They always catch the second person.

# Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

# You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

# Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

# Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

# Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

# School lunches stick to the wall.

# You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

# Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

# The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

# Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

# There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

# One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

# The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.

# Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

# Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

# Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

# Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

# Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

# My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

# If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

# You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

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I figured before I left, I would share a fun story with y'all. This is something Marcos did.

Just some background... When Marcos was about 1 and a half or so, he came up with his own way of dissing you. His phrase was "Football Face."

We're not sure where he came up with it, but we found it pretty damned funny. "You a football face!"

A few months later Marcos, his Mom Brandi, My Mom, and myself were sitting around the table eating.

My Mom asks him "Are you my pumpkin pie?"

(I'm using Feck, since I can't use the REAL word he used.)

Marcos: "Motherfeckin' Motherfeckin' Pumpkin Pie Face Bitches."

All 3 of us: "WHAT?!"

You wouldn't

He kept combining more phrases and I was like "Where did you LEARN THAT?!"

He points up to the light socket. "Motherfeckin' Motherfeckin' Light."

Brandi is like "Alright son, that's enough, I think you've gotten that out of your system..."

He apparently had, because he stopped it.

He also a few months ago created another new phrase of his "Motherbitch". We all use this and MFing MFing Pumpkin Pie Face Bitches in my family. Marcos kind of forgot he made both phrases and doesn't use either, which is a good thing!

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbYtqAWDF2U

The Ding Ding Dong Song.

It is SO WRONG.

When I was in Chicago our gaming guild did a big game... I used him as one of my characters. The only problem was one of the girls in our guild has some brain damage and is pretty innocent due to it...

At one point I started singing the song.

She asked us "What's a ding ding dong?"

....

Yeah, her Mom just yelled out "IT'S A P*NIS HONEY."

It was EPIC.

Edited because: It changed what I wrote to THINGY. o_o Much less funny!

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