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ThatHurtsMyHead

Dating and CH

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All,

So I've recently been thinking more and more of posting a question here regarding dating.  Back in Jan my divorce was final and I've been dating off and on.  Two women I've dated ended in direct regards to my CH (as did my 11 year marriage). 

One person I was seeing for a month or so, when I told her of my CH.  She completely started ignoring my email / texts.  I'm guessing she did some research and decided she didn't want anything to do with it.  Everything was fine before that.

The other person was more interested in taking my medicine...  I won't bother to elaborate. ha...

I've been pain free and pretty much on cloud 9 (whatever "Cloud 9" really means. ha) for most of the last two and a half years, due to my preventative dosing.  110% of the time I have a positive attitude and am just enjoying the heck out of life for the most part.  But,,, obviously something is missing.  At this juncture I'm unsure that I even want to date someone without CH or at least understands what it is, BEFORE going out. 

I guess this is turning into more of an discussion / vent than a question.  :o

PFW,

Jeff

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It's helped us that I wasn't diagnosed until we had been married for 10 years. We'll be celebrating 30 next month.

And, the state of being in "Cloud 9" is the penultimate goal of the Bodhisattva. Or so I've been told.

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My wife and I just hit our 18th year...divorced the 2nd wife, CH had something to do with but not all. Divorced the first one, CH was a mystery then and had lots to do with that one. People dont want a mate that has baggage, CH is a large bunch of baggage. Dating is out of my realm of thought however I hate it for ya. Finding a lasting relationship is a puzzle to me. I stumbled on a fine woman whom I love and loves me back. This makes CH irrelevant. Love is a fickle thing, but when it happens there is nothing more rewarding, comforting, and difficult. Keep dating and you will find one worth fighting for. Big ocean, lots of fish. ;)

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'I stumbled on a fine woman whom I love and loves me back. This makes CH irrelevant. Love is a fickle thing, but when it happens there is nothing more rewarding, comforting, and difficult. Keep dating and you will find one worth fighting for. Big ocean, lots of fish.' ;)

THMH: this is the definitive answer. 'I stumbled'.

I remarried after 15 years when I was in a long (decades) remission. The right woman will find you. Hard to do, but don't sweat it. My only problem is, my man blames himself for the reactivation!!!! So wrong.

Love should be easy.  8-) If it is work, forget it. My opinion, I know. Funny, I just had this talk with my son who plans to propose next week!!!! Like, I just had this convo. two hours ago.

When it is right, CH will not stop it. Love will conquer it all.

Stay positive. You are a great guy and the right woman will find you. Just keep your eyes open! 8-) Ch no longer rules your life, remember that.

Hope this was not too upbeat. I want it to be positive, not annoying. :-/

spiny

the ancient

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I have a similar story as you...

I have always been honest about my CH when dating... it never really made much difference. I think we all know people rarely "get it" when we talk about CH. Most ladies will relate it to migraines, to which I will correctly say... "no, much worse... like a red hot ice pick through your eye". If they are interested I answer questions, if not, I just put it on the table and drop it. Many dating relationships won't last long enough for it to even be an issue. If things do start to look serious... then I really bring them up to speed and basically try to scare them away. If they don't run... you got a good one.

I divorced in 2004, dated for years, finally found a good one a few years ago. She even survived me going chronic. A little worse for the wear and tear, but she still loves me and refuses to be scared away.

Beware of all the ladies walking around with their match.com checklists... love is not an exact science. If you failed the health check box with that one woman, you are probably better off.

Keep going for it!

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Love should be easy. If it is work, forget it. My opinion, I know.

You know what they say about opinions, right? ;)

Having known my bride for 46 of my 51 years on this earth, and having been head over heels for her for the last 35 years, I can tell you that it's work. A LOT of work - in the form of keeping away the forces that will split people apart. Forgiveness is a huge part of it.

But the rewards are infinite. I know that sounds storybook sappy, but it's worked quite well for us.

The "love" part is the easy part, I'll give you that. I think it's the "like" part that requires work from both.

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Wow - maybe the single positive thing about having CH is that it weeds out the losers.  At least, that's what I take from it.  I don't think I'd want to be with someone who is that narrow minded, insensitive, uncompassionate, and absolute.

Sounds to me like these might be the same types who will run if times get tough.  I wonder how they would feel if they were diagnosed with a disease?  Would they be understanding if their partner didn't want to deal with it and fled?

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Wow - maybe the single positive thing about having CH is that it weeds out the losers.  At least, that's what I take from it.  I don't think I'd want to be with someone who is that narrow minded, insensitive, uncompassionate, and absolute.

Sounds to me like these might be the same types who will run if times get tough.  I wonder how they would feel if they were diagnosed with a disease?  Would they be understanding if their partner didn't want to deal with it and fled?

amen

bb

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I used to be a man. No, that's not right. I once resided in a man's body, I've always been a woman. There is a difference.

All my life I hated my body, so I fixed it. I resolved the issue that drove me to the brink of suicide for 40 years. During my transition, I had a wonderful girlfriend (now my best friend). We split up, but not related to anything I was going through, long story. Anyway, I largely fully expected to find love again, and now that I was happy with my body, never expected other people wouldn't likewise be happy to be with me.

I couldn't be more wrong. Getting a date as a post-op-transsexual is like getting a date as a leper. No one wants to know. Sure, many, many people are happy to be my friends, but try and turn it into a romantic relationship, and NO WAY! In fact, many people I tell can't run fast enough.

I know most of them have no idea who _I_ am. Have no idea that I pass perfectly as a woman, but they just don't want to know. Most of them are operating on the preconception of what a transsexual, or much more likely, a transvestite or drag queen, is.

I hate it, absolutely hate it, when people say; 'oh well, you didn't want to date someone shallow like that anyway. The right person will come along.' That is the worst thing to say. And no, I don't want to date a shallow person, but I also don't want to have to sort through 1000's of shallow people in hopes of finding the perfect, accepting, loving partner. Each person that turns away from me because of my gender breaks my heart. Every single one was a chance for love, but is a knife in the back.

Love and Other Drugs is a lovely movie regarding this topic. Well worth a watch.

xx Renee

I've not yet lost a relationship because of CH. This is because only one person in 5 years has gotten past my gender.

Sorry for going on, but I feel your pain (in more ways than one). It sucks. It sucks big time. It is wrong, and I hate it (both my situation and yours). Yes, they may be shallow or short sited for not getting to know you, but that doesn't make it hurt less. You don't get your hopes up any less for someone because they might be a shallow twit. You meet someone, and are open and honest, and just hope they won't crush your heart.

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All,

Thanks everyone for the comments, they're definitely appreciated.

Wow - maybe the single positive thing about having CH is that it weeds out the losers.  At least, that's what I take from it.  I don't think I'd want to be with someone who is that narrow minded, insensitive, uncompassionate, and absolute.

Bounty, That's definitely a good way of looking at it.  Guess I'd rather they run after the 2nd date than after I've waisted 6+ months of my life, then they run. :)

PFW,

Jeff

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I've pretty much all but stopped even thinking about finding someone.  The last guy I dated was also a clusterhead, but that didn't prevent him from being a liar, cheat and thief.  But that was years ago. 

It's not just being a clusterhead that gets in the way for me. Living in a very Catholic community as an out of the broom closet Witch is another red check mark next to my name. 

It can be a slippery slope to disclose the methods by which I, as Buster, manage my condition.  Should the relationship end badly, one call to the police could end an otherwise squeeky clean background. 

Yeah... I really don't think the risk is worth it. 

I've been going it pretty much alone since my divorce over 18 years ago.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a special man in my life to share the good times as well as the burdens of life with.   I admire Brew and Wench's marriage so much, and sometime feel the disappointment of not having ever found that life long partnership with someone.  But I've weathered the ups and downs of the last 18 years with as much grace and strength as a human can.  I've survived a brutal assault, nearly becoming homeless after losing my job due to ch back in 2004, and several failed attempts at relationships.

That said, I'm not "looking" for a relationship.  If it happens it happens.  If not, I've gotten pretty good at being alone. 

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THMH,

Now that I have met you in person, I can say that you are a handsome fella and a very nice person to boot!  Any woman who would let clusters get in the way isn't worth your trouble.  Enjoy life, one day it'll surprise you  :-* (on the cheek, of course.)

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Handsome young...now all ya need is a fat wallet...then you will need to get your testosterone shot to keep up. ;)

lmao

bb

Are your balls really blue   :D :D :D

What do you think of the idea of playing the dating game in Chicago next year (of course this would have to be in the p.m.)  ;D ;D ;D

We could have bb playing chuck Woolery (sp ?)...could you imagine the questions (example # 1).....Bachelorette #1,we are driving down the highway (I'm driving and your in the passenger side) having a good conversation and all of a sudden you notice that i am getting quite and covering my right eye,leaning slightly leaning forward (hoping you don't notice)but of course you do...What would you do and why  ;D ;D ;D

On a serious note...Like the bb said you are a handsome young man (cough-cough) of course the coughing is a joke,so i will start over  ;D ;D ;D

You mentioned that you were married 11-years...perhaps your high school sweetheart ? regardless,you were young and perhaps used to having someone around and now that your single (perhaps a bit lonely) i don't know you that well and all i can do is guess...forgive me if i am wrong with what i said or what i am about to say

i have seen many folks go thru a separation or a divorce and a good majority of them jump into a relationship way too quick (can be a big disaster)...your a very nice young man,handsome and i am sure have allot to offer...why not give yourself some time and find out of what you really want...allot of folks go thru this and completely forget of who they were prior to their marriage...get out there and date,have fun...if it were i,i would give myself a few years before i would consider having a serious relationship...that's just me...i sure hope i did not offend you in any way (not my intention at all)...you seem like a very good man,give yourself a break ...hoping nothing but the best for you.....Lenny

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Last year I attended the wedding of my 50 year old cousin who was getting married for the first time. I guess he was waiting all that time for the perfect match because he and his now wife are indeed perfect for each other.

How did he finally meet her?! Well it was with a method I hadn't given much thought to before, but I think might be something for not just Jeff, but others who have responded here to consider. It wasn't through some random happenstance, striking up a conversation with a stranger, only to somehow find that person to be single and exceptionally compatible (what are the odds?).

I was surprised at first to find out my cousin had met his wife online through some sort of match/dating site, but then realized it was actually an effective way to weed incompatible people out of the process right from the get go - now it seems like a smart and efficient way to meet the right person...?

In their case they knew right on the first date when they met for dinner that they found their match.  :)

I do have another relative, a wonderful gal, who was rejected as a participant by match.com for no apparent reason, so I don't know if that site in particular is any good (since then I've seen a news story about how they had been caught being really heavy handed with their rejections and were supposedly changing their ways).

Am I being naive, and just don't realize that admitted clusterheads can't get a good date online? :o Maybe someone here will test those waters at one point and report back.  8-)

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I think you would be talking about e-harmony with the rejections... they rejected me too. I guess I was "not believable" in my answers to their questionnaire... but in actuality if your answers don't put you solidly into one of their dating categories, they pass on you... they just don't know what to do with you if you don't fit one of their profiles. I don't know of another site that does that.

The online thing can be great at weeding out potential mates, but I also found a lot of over anal/rigid women who had their checklists out and did not believe so much in chemistry... and I am a chemistry man. But I think age group had a lot to do with that, you are quite a bit younger than I. It sure does help up the number of women you will meet... and the more you meet, the better the odds.

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We could have bb playing chuck Woolery (sp ?)...could you imagine the questions (example # 1).....Bachelorette #1,we are driving down the highway (I'm driving and your in the passenger side) having a good conversation and all of a sudden you notice that i am getting quite and covering my right eye,leaning slightly leaning forward (hoping you don't notice)but of course you do...What would you do and why

Love it!  Doug, could you put this on the agenda for Chicago next year??   ;D

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Love it!  Doug, could you put this on the agenda for Chicago next year??   ;D

Just in case he says no,as he might...after all i am sure that most attending are married or have a significant other and that would not be fair to them...perhaps we could play wheel of fortune...after all this is something all can participate in...don't you think that would be fun...we could have Potter and Ruthie replacing Pat and Vanna...i was very impressed the way Ruthie handled the auction,so i would like her to be the host with Potter spinning the wheel...do you think they'll go for it... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D...i hope so.....Lenny

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