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  1. Onglamesh

    End-of-Cycle Anxiety

    So my pattern of pain has been strange lately... I get 1 or 2 days of nothing, then a day and/or night of rapid-fire cluster attacks (every hour, on the hour, thanking a God of which I'm not certain for DMT). Pesky Beast wakes me up at least 4 times a night, rendering all my sleep unproductive and leading to a day of yawning and shadows (if not more full-blown attacks). Then it repeats itself, and I get a break again for a few days. I seem to remember my previous cycles going this way toward the end. This is the only cycle during which I've had a good abortive drug, so it has occurred to me that it's the first time I haven't contemplated suicide. Normally I end up getting my remission just before I'm ready to give up, and thankfully this time I've been quite okay with my hand of cards. Now ending it doesn't seem like an option at all, as all I need to think about during an attack is "where's my medicine and how can I safely use it ASAP?" But now I am still anxious as my attacks become more frequent and severe (during the bad days). It's currently been 3 days since any attacks, and I am stuck in the demilitarized zone between "don't leave home without the fractal dust," and "rejoice and feel like a normal person for a few months." Maybe Schrodinger should put me in a box, then HE could try to calculate the likelihood of the Beast returning. By his logic, I would simultaneously be in cycle AND out of cycle, which is pretty much how I feel right about meow ... I just want it to be over, I'm always so hopeful at this point, but then another attack begins and I doubt my ability to sense my own body a little bit more. So as the years go on and the cycles continue, I wonder if I will ever get over this sense of impatience, or maybe become aware enough of my senses that I will know for sure when the cycle is complete (rather than wishful thinking). Unfortunately, even in between cycles, I still fear the return of the pain and can't seem to go a day without thinking about it. I even tell myself, "it hasn't hurt for months and still you're obsessing over it, just begging the pain to come back with the power of suggestion." I suppose this may be some form of the CH-related PTSD I've read about... I need to find a way to wrap my mind around the inner workings of my head, as my head probably won't change to suit my mind any time soon. Anybody else familiar with this end-of-cycle anxiety?