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BUZZ's Achievements


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  1. I want to tell them to leave their phone on so I can call and wake them up every time I get woke up. Then after a few years they might understand why I've come to fear my bed.
  2. You all rock. I'm smiling for the first time in awhile. The seeds seemed to stop working. I was get up to 13 days free with them but now I'm lucky for 13 hours. I have filled two note books of my results. Seeds give me a rocker while fungus aborts them. Am I doing something wrong. 15 days is my best. I have a very lone wolf personality which doesn't help anything but maybe if I stay on here more often I won't fall so deep in the pit of hate and loathing. I also thought I would get scolded for tampering with the kip scale. I wont forget again that I'm dealing with the most open minded people on the planet. I think I need to buy a lap top cause this is just hard on my phone and don't want to drift away again. Any input on dosages is very welcome cause I think that's where I'm faltering. Again, you all are the best. And tingling, it means the world to hear from you.
  3. And I don't mean to contradict myself but if I do get to weak I'm going to tat "take a closer look at cluster headaches" on my chest and clenllmy head on the white house lawn.but that wil never happen.
  4. Thank you all and I apologize. Coach Bill saved my life 2 years ago on valentines day. He taught me everything some white coat wearing, piece of paper saying he knows something neurologist pretended to know. I ran out of o2 last night. I take my hands a squeeze my ribs till not a breath can come out. I put a 3/4" hose directly on the end of an industrial O2 tank. That's not what batch taught me but that's what I did with it. I was in chicago. I've been busting since '94 and my battle didn't start till '05. I'm typing on my phone so sorry for short sentences and grammatical errors. After three and a half yrs i finally got diagnosed. The cleveland clinic says I'm episodic :'(. Kinda funny that I get hit everyday though. The day I got diagnosed my girl if ten years said sorry that she had been cheating on me cause she thought I was on drugs. My friends and family are scared of me. I know this sounds crazy but I could care less about the pain anymore. At least when I hurt I know im not crazy. Somehow I even managed to get fellow suffers to stop talking to me. Case and point. Things are so bad I can't bust anymore cause my head is a scary place to be. I love you all and promise I'll never give up. And you can bet the farm I'll be in Vegas. I've learned how to stop the pain sometimes but how do I get my life back? I don't know how to draw but my tat is an artist interpretation of our life. My kidneys can't handle another red bull or handful of pills. I really don't know any of you but I owe you my life. I'll have my new tat in Vegas to show you. I'm getting a dud round tatted. I hope I don't scare you all like I scare my family. Never fold straight soldier but how can I get my life back. Why won't my girl come home? I'm going to try to post my journal but all I have is my phone. My record is 158 hours awake. I need some positive thoughts so I can try to bust again. Those who have should know the danger of taking the med without proper mental state I've cut my face, I've introduced it to a fire hydrant. I don't know what else to say.
  5. Don't know if I have the right to do this but one more day alone will be be my last. I wrote this awhile ago. This would follow the kip scale.   I mean not to overstep my bounds nor do I mean any disrespect to the late Mr. Bob Kipple but I do not feel the kip scale is completely accurate in my case. Though the differences are slight and few, they make it difficult for me to rate my occurrences I'm about to document in this journal. This is the Buzz scale. It certainly makes it easier for me and hopefully anyone reading this. Again, no disrespect to anyone who has or is been trying to figure out this horrible monster longer than me. There is also a term I need to add"jingle the keys". For me it seems it would kind of replace "shadow" but I am just going to add it because(as I'm about to explain) I can hear the keys without feeling a shadow. I've talked to my dad the most about this so far. I curse the devil everyday for forcing me to put him through this. Both of us having a strong interest in war history so we made this analogy from something we've both heard. When enemies captured POW's they would jingle the cell keys as they walked so that the prisoner could hear it. After enough beatings they could send a broken spirited warrior to cower in the corner with nothing more than a "jingle of the keys". Case and point, even if you don't feel a thing, it can really ruin your day. 0- no pain, life is beautiful but cant forget what the keys sound like. 1- very minor, shadow's come and go. Beautiful turns into panic. I can hear the keys. Pray it's not my cell. 2- more persistent shadows. They're getting closer. 3- shadows are constant. Can deal with it but start to baton down the hatches and look for an exit. 4- starting to get worse. Where's that exit. 5- still not a pacer but start to distance myself from anyone. 6- wake up grumbling, disoriented, curse a bit. Might not have to leave the house but if it woke me there is no going back to sleep. 7- woke up, sleep not an option. Take the beast for a walk. Fall on the floor exhausted. 8- time to scream, yell, curse punch slam doors on my head, head bang, rock. Whatever works. Don't come near me. 9- it cannot get worse. The why me syndrome kicks in. DO NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME. 10- it will be the last entry inthis journal cause I already know how I'm going to do it.
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