This isnt fair

Thanks Hipshot. It all happened pretty quick, the whole office visit was about 4 minutes. I was in shock when she said she couldn't treat me anymore. I never in a million years would of guessed that was going to happen before going in. And the before and after pictures of me she saw should of said it all, or at least raised some curiosity in her. when she fired me, my mouth just engaged before my thoughts,and it just flowed. I never meant to actually tell her best of luck with the next poor bastard that walks in, and I have regretted classifying a person in dyer need of help in that term,but it just rolled out because I was actually feeling betrayed and applied the feelings I had about myself,as I had turned to a professional that should be able to help.I was that poor bastard. On my previous visits ,I had told her about the varap and how it just numbs my mind into a zombie and for me had no affect in supresing or reducing any of the attacks as well as medrol,indocin, or any of the others. when I was on those my son or ex would be talking to me ,I could see them ,I could hear them, but it just went into my head bounced around and turned into a blur of mumbo jumbo that i couldn't make sense of,and often didn't speak back,they thought I was deaf or dumb or even both... hence zombie

WOW. That's the kind of thing that's kept me computer illiterate. Id still have a rotary phone if they would still work.I hadn't even sent a text, until I was in my mid 40s. Now that I have read what I just wrote.I think I'm a little behind the times.

WHEN I TOLD MY NEURO.I had been on a 4 month cycle,it was my 6th appointment in a month and a half.she could see in my face something had changed for the better,on my previous visit she had said that I was looking terrible. I said "you think" Ive had 3 hours sleep in 10 days. and then she jammed some needles into the base of my skull. 10 days later I was back, the second she walked in,she looked at me and stated "wow, you look great!!" . I thanked her. And said..... I know how I broke my 4 month cycle! she asked if it was the meds she had me on,and I proudly said, no...In fact I'm off of them! I broke them with magic! she questioned me "Magic?" I proudly and with vigor said yes, magic mushrooms! She asked again what kind of mushrooms, and I answered in clinical speech.She paused a moment and then said..... "I can no longer treat you...... I'm not going to loose my license because of you.!" I too took a moment due to shock and responded, your kidding right! you didn't prescribe them, you didn't suggest them,you apparently haven't even heard of them. I have only told you about them and what worked for me so , I can continue to live, out of pain... at least for a while and not entertain some of the thoughts that had previously entered my mind,when in the depression of constant debilitating,excruciating pain and stress. I then proceeded to tell her that, I was in doubt she could loose her license,just because I choose to treat myself, and under Doctor-patient privilege I was pretty Damn sure she couldn't. I then told her I respected her decision , and wished her luck in trying to help the next poor bastard that walked into her office to just be filled with all the meds she could throw at him or her and not help him or her live a relatively pain free existence,and to be a zombie for the remainder of there life ,if they could handle the pain and not just disappear one day, due to the depression or pain. and walked out. a few days later i received a very official letter of patient termination

sorry colemonster, hello. I didn't mean to thread jack. I hope you find the help you need here. There is a great support group of people here, I too am a newbie and have been welcomed no questions , no judgments, just good advice and understanding I wish you the best of luck. Adam

I have been trying to bust my cycle, first attempt 2 weeks ago, got hit very next night. suffered through a week and tried again, got hit same night, I had even upped the dose from 1.5 to2.5. been getting hit hard every night this week except 2 days ago, had 1 night, no attack and not even a shadow. then right back to the same routine every night attack and last night it came earlier and lasted longer. put a small top under tongue after 4.5 hrs of torture. a hour and a half later it subsided. should I wait again because of the cap or can I retry tonight?

I'm back. I was right, it was just a brief glimmer of better times. Got pounded again last night. Back to life as we know it. somewhere between 30-45 min sleep. I had almost forgot how frickin bright all those little led lights on stuff are, trying to get to the freezer for ice packs was like looking directly into the sun,man they sure make things even worse. My son and I had the best day together. He sure was happy to have his dad [all there]! well ,off to work. Try and have a good day! Adam

Hi again guys! I want to thank everyone for there support and kindness.THANK YOU!!!! I also have to share. What a odd thing that happened yesterday,something changed [i hope] however I am sure I may be jumping the gun. I actually some way wound up with a full 6 hrs of sleep, no attack by the monster at the usual 1:20 am , that's more than I have had in the last 7 or 8 nights combined! I'm pretty sure my cycle has not ended ,should run another month or so.I hadn't had a six hour sleep in just over 3 months. And today was a treat as well, only light shadows. Got to spend quality time with my son, and what a day it was.I am of course suspect of tonight as I am starting to feel the teeth starting to tingle. But wow My body and my mind has had a recharge, and I feel strong again! I only hope and pray that anybody who reads this and those who didn't, also gets a unexpected out of the blue moment of clarity that they can enjoy with loved ones and catch a break from this hell that we deal with almost constantly. well, thats it for now, thanks!  Adam

Hi Donald. I am new here as well,but not to the pain. I wish you all the best. I can not really comment on your "beginning" but I'm sure someone will come along that may have some insight. You are in the right place for support. Best wishes and happy hunting!!!! Adam

Thanks for the welcome Tingeling and hipshot!Its been a ruff day. I finally dropped from a 9 to a 6. the 6 feels like a 0 compared to the 9,could spend a Lil time reading around here,between tears.Mostly because I feel for all of you here, and partly because I know the night is coming fast,partly because my body is exhausted 4-5 hrs of sleep this entire week.its been a Lil ruff-er this week on top of it all because I am a newly single father of a six year old and he has been pretty sick with the flu for a couple days. I used to have support from a wife, but recently she decided she was done being a mother and a wife and hit the road. soooo the added pressure of having to be a dad and a mom first, and somehow pretend to be normal and not on the edge has been damn near impossible.I have to stop now, cant see to type. sorry, first time i shared with anybody.

Newbie here. However not to the monster. Suffering about 6.5 yrs now, with a few breaks between.Have to say, wouldn't wish this on any body ever! I will be reading and posting soon, when the monster leaves me alone a Lil bit.lately my o2 isn't working, and the last 2 doses didn't help,worst round to date,having a really hard time. Told my Nero last app[6 months ago about trying the dose and she fired me!] flying solo now. well, that's it for now. Best wishes and calm times for you all!! Thanks for being here!!