NeitherHere

Diagnosed c-ptsd, bipolar, bpd, take the book flip through the pages and point at something and i'm sure a doctors tried putting that label on my files. I was raised around hard drug use, extreme dv,psychological abuse, malnutrition, outright neglect, had a crippling liquor cns depressants addiction namely opiates and multiple cns depressants together i.e. handle of vodka with a bunch of opiates and barbiturates. Did 15+ years trauma therapy. I recovered from most of it but I still don't trust people as a rule of thumb. I've seen too much to blindly hand people trust. I've also had atleast 6 concussions and multiple critical heat/dehydration events. Atleast 3 of each of the above including loss of identity and consensus reality as well as having to relearn how to spell. My clusters started about 3-4 years ago. I was going through some massive betrayals and I was exceptionally pissed off. I mean like.. do some crazy crap pissed off. I was driving and my blood was boiling when out of no where I had my first attack. It was like the rage itself had manifested the clusters. I got past the stuff that had me so angry, made ammends but the clusters have haunted me since. I consider it gods gift. A persistent reminder that no one is allowed to piss me off like that unless I allow them too. I've survived much worse so why am I going to allow something to convince me that life isn't worth it when I've seen quite the contrary. I'm scared of death much more than i'm scared of misery. This cycle I've decided to weaponize my clusters to my benefit. Everytime it pisses me off its time to train. Everytime it gets me feeling hopeless i'm going to do intense workouts. If I so much as even think about death its running until I can't catch my breath. I've survived too much to let a headache to let me think life isn't worth it. On the contrary, I welcome the pain. Make me stronger. Make me harder to weaken. Its misery, theres days I dont want to be here about it, but thats my pain leaving the body. Thats my psychy cracking under load. It makes more sense for me to fortify than it does to lessen the load. That's not to say that I won't try to bust but if a car cracks a block of driveway you dont stop parking there you make the pad thicker. I will train my brain to treat these headaches as a personal attack that must be met with extreme prejudice. Harden the defenses. The diagnosis' are nothing more than labels trying to explain a history that is unexplainable. Those doctors did nothing but slap bandaids on the issues and teach me to be okay with the things that happened. I wish they would have made me angry towards the issues, taught me to harvest that pain and suffering for growth. None of what I endured is okay. It never was. None of those medications benefited me, all they did was allow me to stay weaker longer. Si vis pacem parabellum.

I'm already in contact with her I'm wondering what the pool of participants is. I don't think we have a very big membership here at the forum so I'm curious if there are any active participants in here

During my last cluster I applied for the cluster buddy program. I hadn't seen a reply until I checked this week while starting up a new cycle. I was wondering what everyone else's experience has been with this program. I'm back to working. I'm working more and making more than ever. A coworker left a leaking bottle of PVC primer in the cab of a work truck that apparently set off the cluster i'm hoping I just busted last night. But I'm hoping to build my own at home and hoc oxygen system and get myself back into insurance. Since my last visit I've started trying to eat healthier, started taking GNC MEGAMEN advanced test booster and micronized creatine, put on ~12+ kg in healthy weight, and over all I think I'm in much better health than I was during my last cluster. I'll probably be active seasonally, closer to my cycles and what not. This last year or two the attacks have been getting harsher, lasting longer, with shorter remission periods between clusters so there's a chance I'll be online more and more as time goes on. I've been informed that there may be a meet up in Dallas at some point this year. That's some 6 hours away one way so I'm not sure I'll be able to make it but I'd love to socialize more with people who haveore experience dealing with this miserable issue. Hope you're all healthy and well <3 NeitherHere

I really just need to vent tonight Like a cruel joke i relapsed after 10 totally symptom free days. All the way from k0 to k7 in a matter of minutes mid interview. The 5 day rule failed me. Maybe my dose wasn't as dialed in as I thought maybe I need to dose sooner either way i relapsed into another cluster. I'm really sad. I was doing so well, so full of hope. Today was a series of insane issues on so many fronts that I can't even list them all. It was a miserable day. I think the cruelty of this disorder isn't in the intensity of how incomprehensibly painful it can get but just how broad the contrast of it all is.... Without any warning mid sentence it was like the devil himself was punching me in the face to collect my lunch money. . I guess I just needed to bitch and moan. Vent. Scream into the void. I just need a damn job... This last interviewer today told me "you're not 16 anymore, this part time job isn't going to support your family. I have half a mind to tell them not to hire you because I feel that this wouldn't be in your best interest to let you have the position. I would recommend you apply for the distribution centers" and honestly it pissed me off .how is that NOT discrimination? What does my age have to do with anything ? Why can an interviewer tell me what I should and should not be allowed to take pay wise or Take the only opportunity for gainful employment i've had in months and tell me i'm better off essentially unemployed and still searching while they possibly hire someone younger with less financial needs or tell me that I SHOULD be able to get better pay so I shouldn't be allowed to have lesser pay... At this point i'm getting desperate and it feels like the only way i'm going to stay a float or get ahead is doing something sketchy like mowing lawns off the books or something stupid and I really don't need the headache. At this point i've stopped openly throwing a fit. It doesn't do me any good. If anything I just end up hurting myself and damaging things. Tonight I tried distracting myself working on my computer and possibly caused even more damage in the process which is really saddening because I was really happy with how it was Today I locked myself in a dark room and just cried because I don't see any end in sight. Not to the pain, not to my balance and hearing issues, and not to my lack of employment. I feel worthless, useless, and broken beyond repair. I've tried playing good baptist but at this point i'm even questioning my already waivering faith. I'm sure SOMETHING good will come but at what cost and when? The house we're in is literally falling apart, we can't keep up with the bills, can barely keep food in the fridge. It's all a mess... And now I have to be reminded that Equal Opportunity is a true crock of shit and I feel foolish for even trying anymore.

this last week or so i've been calling my dogs to come and lay beside me while I grit my teeth and try and endure the attacks in silence. My poor catahoula gets alien snatched and snuggled while I brace for life when i feel a shadow come on. Sometimes i can "hide" the attack from my family because its under kip 6/7 and I have a relatively high pain tolerance. I still get restless kicking about,rocking back and forth to some degree, groaning and so on though. Our catahoula was an abused breeder rescue who is incredibly timid around men in general so shes usually really solitary expressing porch dog behaviour . She's always very timid but she's showed up at my side laying on me 3x now unsolicited within 10 minutes of an attack kicking off. This most recent one hit me so fast that I thought I was going to start puking. Our chihuahua seems to go into a licking frenzy on me up to half an hour or more before an attack unsolicited and has done this a handful of times this week almost consistently before an attack. Both of which have done their individual behaviours in tandem at least once and that was a MASSIVE attack that left me pretty much incapable of speaking because it was so intense. I've considered scent training one of them to help give myself an early alert but i'm wondering if that's even really necessary at this point. Neither of these incidents has been followed by a lack of attack within 30 minutes. Both have been 100% accurate So far. They don't always catch it but the ones they have "acted strangely" about have been considerable, just like the ones I called them to me about I'd like to train our Chihuahua because he would be much easier to take around with me but he needs behaviour training where sas our catahoula is exceptionally docile and well behaved but is terrified of vehicles and incredibly distracted by dogs. I don't have much in terms of remediation at the moment besides D and M which I Can't do publicly but early alert gives me at least a few moments to brace for impact. Does anyone here have pets or service animals that give off warnings, show compassion behaviours, or legitimately trained for alert? In my jurisdiction i'm "service dogs in training" "SDIT" are afforded all legal rights and protections as fully trained Sd's and from my extensive research documentation is unecessary and often times seen as compounding misunderstandings about responsible and legitimate sd/its and handlers. If I could have advanced notice on the migraines and clusters on the go in my day to day that would be huge for me especially as these attacks are becoming more violent and frequent. Christmas day our Chihuahua started frantically trying to lick me while I was driving right before we got to my family members house about 10 minutes later a hellacious attack hit me. If I were totally alone with him that would have provoked me to pull over to begin with. At the time my wife and I just thought he was acting out about going for s ride but in hindsight it was an immediate and abrupt change in his behaviour from calm and hanging out to frantically attempting to get my attention. i'm beginning to see a pattern with both dogs.