Dances with Death: Memoirs of a Cluster Head

[NeuroTrooper88]

This is something I've been kicking around for years while in cycle trying to tame the beast. Whenever a cycle would start these words would pop into my mind "time to dance with death" as each experience truly felt like a tango with my mortality. Can I get through this? Can I take the pain? Can I make people understand this craziness that is my life? Do I even want to go on? 

Wrapped in the deep embrace of unimaginable pain, I'd waltz through the agony. With every searing neuronal shock, I'd spin. My screams where the music as the tears flowed.  I'd dance with death to the drumming of my racing heart and the explosive pain in my brain. Stuck in this box step 123-123-123 repeating to myself "release me....release me". Just as the ordeal felt like it would swoop me away leaving a lifeless body, setting me free from this curse forevermore with the extinguishing of my heart...the dance was done. Left as a shell of who I was, battered beyond repair, a scared quivering woman who's life was run by fear and the anticipation of the next attack. Death had released me from our waltz but not for long as we all well know, it will be back to consume us again.

It's that time of year folks, my cycle has started and with it, has brought my life to a screeching hault. The thought of losing everything and the constant rebuilding is daunting to say the least. It's been a week since the beast has arrived, leaving me homebound and struggling to explain my condition to my new employer and loved ones. I feel a creative outlet would help so I've thought of writing about my experiences (the good, the bad and the downright ugly) to help release some of the emotional burden this condition causes. I wish you all a beautiful pain-free day.

[Rod H]

Keep writing your words resonate with me. You have beat this before you will beat it again. 

[BoscoPiko]

Agree with @Rod H. Your words do resonate and certainly paint a picture most of us cluster heads have lived inside of. Any outlet (healthy outlet), is a welcomed distraction from our realities when in cycle. I hope this cycle passes quickly for you!

[CDiAngelo]

Wow - can I be your editor??!!

This is a very brilliant piece that you have written.  Insightful with some really great language.  I love the voice - every bit as powerful as the Cluster itself!!!    I hope that you are flattered and not offended with my edits below.  Your work is great, thank you.

 

"The Mortality Waltz"

Wrapped in the deep embrace of unimaginable terror,  I waltz through in agony. With every searing neuronal shock, I spin. My screams are like  the  music as the tears flow.  I dance with death to the drumming of my racing heart and the explosive pain in my brain. Stuck in this box step--- 123,123,123--- repeating to myself "re-lease me....re-lease me". Just as the nightmare felt like it would end, leaving a lifeless body, setting me free from this curse. Forevermore with the extinguishing of my heart...the  Dance was done.

Left was a shell of who I was.  Battered beyond repair, a scared quivering woman who's life was run by fear and the anticipation of the next attack. Mortality had released me from our Waltz but not for long as we all well know, it will be back to consume us again.

 

 

 

 

[OldArn]

On 6/6/2023 at 9:23 PM, CDiAngelo said:

"re-lease me....re-lease me".

Oh, I've said this so many times - I'm not sure if I'm asking the devil or God. I tend to believe in either more during an attack than in church. W.C. Fields was found reading the Bible on his deathbed. When asked if he'd found religion, he said "No, just looking for loopholes."