Alcoholics call this pitiful incomprehensible demoralization

[NeitherHere]

I really just need to vent tonight

Like a cruel joke i relapsed after 10 totally symptom free days. All the way from k0 to k7 in a matter of minutes mid interview. The 5 day rule failed me. Maybe my dose wasn't as dialed in as I thought maybe I need to dose sooner either way i relapsed into another cluster. 

I'm really sad. I was doing so well, so full of hope. Today was a series of insane issues on so many fronts that I can't even list them all. It was a miserable day. 

I think the cruelty of this disorder isn't in the intensity of how incomprehensibly painful it can get but just how broad the contrast of it all is.... Without any warning mid sentence it was like the devil himself was punching me in the face to collect my lunch money.  . 

 

I guess I just needed to bitch and moan. Vent. Scream into the void. 

 I just need a damn job... 

This last interviewer today  told me "you're not 16 anymore, this part time job isn't going to support your family. I have half a mind to tell them not to hire you because I feel that this wouldn't be in your best interest to let you have the position. I would recommend you apply for the distribution centers" and honestly it pissed me off .how is that NOT discrimination? What does my age have to do with anything ? Why can an interviewer tell me what I should and should not be allowed to take pay wise or Take the only opportunity for gainful employment i've had in months and tell me i'm better off essentially unemployed and still searching while they possibly hire someone younger with less financial needs or tell me that I SHOULD be able to get better pay so I shouldn't be allowed to have lesser pay... 

At this point i'm getting desperate and it feels like the only way i'm going to stay a float or get ahead is doing something sketchy like mowing lawns off the books or something stupid and I really don't need the headache. 

At this point i've stopped openly throwing a fit. It doesn't do me any good. If anything I just end up hurting myself and damaging things. Tonight I tried distracting myself working on my computer and possibly caused even more damage in the process which is really saddening because I was really happy with how it was 

 

Today I locked myself in a dark room and just cried because I don't see any end in sight. Not to the pain, not to my balance and hearing issues, and not to my lack of employment. I feel worthless, useless, and broken beyond repair. 

 

I've tried playing good baptist but at this point i'm even questioning my already waivering faith. I'm sure SOMETHING good will come but at what cost and when? 

 

The house we're in is literally falling apart, we can't keep up with the bills, can barely keep food in the fridge. It's all a mess... And now I have to be reminded that Equal Opportunity is a true crock of shit and I feel foolish for even trying anymore. 

[CHfather]

Horrible, horrible, horrible.  I am very sorry, and that interviewer should be fired, the bastard.   I think it's obvious to us that even looking for work in your current situation is practically heroic.

Gotta ask: Are you doing the D3 regimen -- that really makes a big, big difference for most people -- and have you managed to get oxygen?  And is this common for you -- a remission period of maybe a couple of weeks and then the attacks come back?  It's not clear to me what you mean when you say "The 5 day rule failed me."  I remember that at one time you were taking relatively small doses.  Am I right that you kept dosing during this remission time?  If you want to say more about what you have done, maybe it'll help.

[Bejeeber]

I think venting when things go badly (in your case, really really badly ) is a good thing to be able to do here.

It may be a bit much to hope for, but sometimes, some of us have been known to get a one-off rogue attack, with no new cycle starting up. I'm hoping against hope that this is what could have occurred with you today.