No Escape

[MoxieGirl]

Pain.

It wraps itself about my forehead like a steaming towel. Enveloping my skull, consuming my every thought, burning into my every action.

Headaches, nearly daily, plague my life and snuff out my laughter. They thump, they pound they pierce my joy like a jack-hammer on steroids.

Migraines, shoot white hot needles into my eyes. For five days or more, I cannot bear movement, light or sound as they suck from me all remaining resemblance of life.

And then there are the clusters. Pure, undiluted pain. Out of the blue they come, morning, day or night. They pounce without warning, and when they leave, all that remains is a hole where my sanity once stood.

Migraines: headaches are insignificant by comparison. And if one tried to compare a migraine to a cluster..? Well, you might as well be comparing the size of the Earth to the Sun.

And yet, there is one thing that scares me more than these three demons, combined.

What if I find a cure?

I have realised, over the years, that my pain does not merely consume me. It does not simply ruin my life or put me in bed for days on end. No, this pain that I describe, it often defines me.

What if I were able to be free of it? I wonder what I might do. I know many would ask what wouldnÂ’t I do, what couldnÂ’t I do?

But I do not remember, nor can I imagine, a year, a month, or even a week without such pain. Surely such a thing is not possible?! Surely it is unimaginable. At least, I, cannot fathom it.

I do what I can to fight the battle I must. I try this drug and that, always seeking an answer, an escape from my Hell.

Always in fear of what that freedom might be like.

Renée

[spiny]

Freedom, that most basic of human rights.

Freedom from pain redefines our boundaries and expands our horizons. It allows us to tread paths that were a mystery when we were caged.

Freedom, the most valuable asset we have. As we embrace our freedom, we push down our fear. As we lose our fear, we sprout our wings and fly, no longer tied to the ground and its' limitations.

As we fly, we see. As we see, we learn. As we learn, we grow. As we grow, we come alive.

Here's to freedom and life. [smiley=beer.gif]

You will do fine Renee. Strive for freedom and fly.

hugs

[weatherman]

Moxie-

Your observations on the effects of this formidable, sometimes unremitting and severe pain are very true.  It is a powerful influence on our being.

I attended my first Conference this year in Las Vegas and was really impressed by Carter Lee and his story.  He's overcome some of life's most crappy stuff and gets cluster headaches on top of all that.  I read his book and have subsequently attained several other one's that he recommends ..... mostly Viktor E. Frankl's book on "Man's Search for Meaning".  Mr Frankl speaks directly of the attitudes that we take on unavoidable suffering and what a wonderful ally in personal growth they can be.  His ideas speak directly to your comments.

All of us CH'rs must ask these questions, and for good reason!  There is meaning and you have already tapped into the strength and knowledge by helping others in this group.  You have no idea how appreciated your efforts are.

Nietzsche said, "He who has a why to live for, can bear almost any how". 

Don't be afraid of the freedom, just sit back and enjoy it! 

Here's hoping it comes for you and all of us with you ...............

weatherman

[MoxieGirl]

Thank you both for your comments and positive vibes.

I was once in a relationship with someone with multiple personalities. She had 6 different personalities, apart her own, that I regularly interacted with. One thing she always said to me, was that she didn't want to be known as 'that person with MPD'. She craved that people got to know her, before they got to know her condition. In other words, she didn't want the condition to define her.

One of my biggest frustrations in life, is when people find out I'm transsexual before they meet me. Because most instantly, and unconsciously, attach pre-conceived images of transvestites and drag queens onto their image of who I am. I then become known, defined as, a transsexual and not a woman, almost not a person. This is a massive hinderance when trying to find a partner, and it plagues my life. Because once someone meets me, they no way believe I wasn't ever the woman I am now. I'm not like many other transsexuals.

However, in many ways I have become this person with constant headaches. Not everyone in my life knows me as such. 90% of the people I work with have no idea, I manage it that well. Mostly, only my friends and social circles know.

But I see myself as a person who's life is defined by headaches. Even if I don't tell people I have them. They truly envelop my life, and touch every aspect of it. I have a headache right now. I had one yesterday, last night when I went to bed, this morning when I was getting ready for work, and the bulk of today. They permeate my entire being.

Not my body. But my being. The person that I am.

Yes, I know that if I found a cure, the pain would stop and I would get on with life. Not that I'm letting them stop too much of life. I tend to get on with it regardless.

But still. I sometimes feel I am not me, I am the manifestation of head pain.

[CH-HELL]

[smiley=cry.gif] I know the pain of both migraines and clusters also and you nailed it in your first post.

Keep up the good fight and use all of the tools you can find.

And :-* because I have nothing to add that will help and that makes me  :'( again.

If there is any way I could help say the word I am only a pm away.

CH

[MoxieGirl]

Thanks CH,

It was more about expressing myself than asking for help. I find writing very therapeutic,  and writing about my pain is helpful.

xx