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Your response is not uncommon. If you think about it you are a torture victim. For the perpetrator of torture part of the strategy is making the victim suffer at the anticipation of pain. Classically when in cycle the pain comes in a somewhat predictable pattern so you become afraid to sleep or if you are expecting an attack you melt down as the time approaches. These are normal responses and I personally have had what you describe happen ove the years. It becomes a real problem when things threaten to interfere with work or responsibilities. I believe the best way to handle this is to actively manage the condition. What I mean is control as much as you can (O2, be prepared with meds both abortive and preventative) develop a systematic strategy for dealing with auras,shadows and attacks. Have a strategy worked out for escalating levels of pain so you approach it in a predefined fashion. For example I start with O2 for 12 minutes, add caffeine 250 mg if that doesn't help and as a last resort inject 2 mg imitrex if still kip 8 or above. When things don't work I have a mantra of telling myself to stay strong and there is more good than suffering most of the time. I refuse to let the beast win and know the pain wont kill me and the pain will end. When in cycle I know an oral triptan will hold off an attack if I have critical things to get done so I will take one prophylactic. THe literature says it doesn't work but my experience is that it does work. Thee is a price though because if you use too much triptan the cycle can seemingly be extended and some attacks seem worse. Steroids can help to bust a cycle but there are side effects. I hate them but they have saved me a couple of times. With the help of this board and many kind magnanimous souls I think the D3 regimen is safe and effective and should be tried following directions closely. 5-MEO-DALT has shown much promise andthough not for everyone, MM\LSD can be a godsend. All the info in Bob's handbook can help and should be explored in a systematic fashion. In the end what I am trying to express is use your knowledge and your strength of will to put the beast in a compartment, don't let it rule your life and reign terror on you. It will win sometimes but you csn find ways to control it and live normally most of the time. Learning to deal with it will make you the strongest person you know.

Hi, I'm off cycle now,I should be OK until dec,early jan. But every time i have even the slightest indication of a CH, which it can't be in off cycle , I get scarred and frozen for about 10 seconds waiting what will happen. I immediately start to think if my tank is ready and my breathing ,pulse and BP goes up . I would get this about 5times a day.But it casuses my non-stop anxiety. I think it triggers the memory of CH and even thhoug I quickly forget about it, that anxiety stays with be basicaly non-stop. It's basically constant sadness, fear ,anxiety and depression . I think I have developed chronic depression by now. It's like constant pschychological torture of what if ,like someone is playing with my sanity .Why can't I have peace in off season. I think that as horrible as CH cycle is for me , at least I know the drill. For whaever reason I can deal better with physical pain then pschychological pain. Phisical pain goes away quickly but this pschychological pain just drags on forewer and I swear I can physically feel it too. How to you deal with it? Do you have that kind of thinking when you are off cycle? Thanks