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At the moment i have a HA, and off course i should lie down in a dark room, drink a glass of water along with two paracetamol and get some sleep. Tempting... But neeeh, i rather stay up all night.

It`s been one year since i joined CB. I guess most of us joined when being desperate, after searching Internet month after month, year after year. When i joined i was not doing good at all. I was self righteous and decided i was allowed to say good bye. When i made that decision it actually got better. I was telling myself it was ok, just get that Christmas over and then you don`t have to do this anymore. F ex during dinner, i could be wondering if it was enough with one pill box or not, so i decided it had to be two boxes. and felt like i had one problem less afterwards. I had a problem figuring out where to park my car, since i had to be found, but not too soon. So i was thinking that if i just drank it with alcohol, then i would be dead anyway.

I actually felt so sorry for myself, i was thinking "it would be so typical me not to die for some reason, and end up being brain damaged and even a bigger burden than now. Have to make sure that doesn`t happen. wouldn`t that be something, make myself a vegetable but with a clear head, unable to speak or move, with CH. Typical..."

I think it`s odd no one noticed any signs of me being this suicidal. Scary.

My boyfriend asked me to try this, to be polite i said yes, sure. Thinking where would we get any mushrooms or LSD. Didn`t take long before it just showed up, where i never would have guessed it to come from. And it worked, after that first bust i never thought suicidal again, not once :)

This year has been a process. CH improved so much i do not consider it a problem. I have pain, but hey.... But what hallucinogenics done for me when it comes to treating past i have no words.

I fear Christmas. I never wanted anyone to give me a present. And i mean i really did not want any. As with flowers. My poor boyfriend, i told him never to get me flowers, one time he did. I freaked out. My daughter is the only one who could give me anything.

I just realized i do not remember Christmas Eve, sounds crazy but i really don`t I could tell what i picked up in the food stores hole Dec, but that specific day, nope, nothing. Crazy.

Last Christmas i remember, i was around 5 i think. Very exited about all the gifts under the tree, too much. I asked after eating dessert if we could open them. Before i knew it i was beaten up. Guess it stopped there, wishing for gifts. And it seems as i just erase that day. Year after year.

Well, from now i`m not doing that, at least i gonna try not to. A person sent me a gift, and i have to say, it changed allot. I felt so amazed when i got it, the feeling that someone wanted me to have this. I been like a child, showed it to everyone i know. I even took a picture of it and sent it to a good friend who doesn`t live near. i have it in my kitchen, i look at it everyday. Thank you :)

Made my first wish for a Christmas gift today, told my boyfriend i wish for new spinning shoes. To be honest, on the inside i have a secret wish, i really wish this to go away. Not tomorrow or the day after or in the near future. Just that it would have been nice once in this lifetime, that this could go away and leave me alone for the rest of my life. Or maybe leave totally for maybe half a year or something like that, a longer period.

This wish show hope the way i see it.  I have hope for the future and i care what happens in the future. I started a new life :)

A big hug and thank you all so much for all the support you given me this year. I havent been alone with all my secrets this year. I been among others who understand, who let me tell my stories from my life. I`m very grateful for that. It helped me more than you can imagine. I`m truly happy for the first time in my life :)

My stories didn`t mean anything to me, because i had no one to tell them to. When i got someone to tell them to everything changed. This song really tell how i feel

You all saved my life, thank you a million times!! I don\t know how to thank you all the right way.

BIG BIG HUG from me :-* :-*

Wishing everyone all the best in the world.

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Sorry I didn't respond to your message earlier, Tingeling.  So much of your story hit close to home for me and it's sometimes difficult for me to think about. 

Don't forget that you are a big part of what makes this AMAZING group so AMAZING!!   ;)

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