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...yeah...it was a worry, but after a number of real bad hits early on....and even w/o a diagnosis...there didn't seem to be residual physical damage so i started worrying/concentrating on the mental health aspects. hard work...nothing physical to grab on to...i constantly wonder how folks maintain in the face of CH. my admiration for the perseverance of clusterheads is endlessly deep... ....what became near incomprehensible for me was "how is it even possible to SURVIVE a pain so incredible it defies description?". there were 10's (thankfully very rare) where it hurt so bad i actually forgot to breathe......yet here i am....

Memory loss? ?? oh crap, I forgot what I was gonna say. Im with ya on that one

This will be the fourth time I have tried to respond to this, you did warn it was a trigger. In part of the same boat, was working as a remote site medic, with chronic but at that time it was 2-3 a week, never enough of a pain free break to be considered episodic, now even that was getting tiring, so went and tried topirimate, it helped, down to about one a week, then the kidney stone, then being taken off the topirimate, then it went insane, 6-10 a day and just like that I was done that line of work, fast forward several years, took a long time to realize this is the new normal and am exploring home business, things I can do when it is not a kip 10, or in between hits, can work my own time in my house. Even something small like painting miniatures can bring in money, crafts, editing. I had to kind of go from a 'job' mindset to a 'anything to bring in money'

It's ok. I suppose I feel bad for anyone with this un-welcome resident of the brain. There are a few states that allow assisted euthanasia but I assume it's a sticky mess to have it approved and even though it has crossed my mind in moments of agony I could never do that to my husband, family and friends. As for employment with CCH that's a tough one, now days with the pandemic working from home is pretty popular and many state agencies will not be going back to the in office way of work as it is more cost effective. You sound like a very bright individual and while it may take you a bit longer to achieve your goal due to CCH you will find a niche that works for you.

I thought I read somewhere that CH can cause some memory loss over the years. I feel like my memory has some holes in it after the last few cycles.

It's a career buster for sure. We all have similar but very different paths with this mess. My life trajectory was changed as well like most of us. I try to take it as a challenge but it can def. be a downer. Like Bosco said, that work from home bit is huge now. I try to make money from several streams and one of them is making stuff that I sell. It's been a while but I used to crank out some cool stuff and sell the heck out of it.

When you go from doing heart surgery to not being able to do basic tasks of daily living fir 5/6 years w only a one month break after your first bust and never getting much results since. W 6-10 attacks a day it takes its toll on you. Vitamin D helped fir a short period then nothing. Try again w D. Never gave up but you need a Dr to follow labs and insurance that will pay fir it. so far I haven’t given up I’m still here. Wanting to die and during are two different things. I don’t harm myself like other do (punch walls, smack head in the floor or walk to knock themselves out, drill holes in head or shooting self in head only to survive and still have CH is not my style). But when your CH is as bad as mine your brain wanders. I’ve accomplished a lot in life. Save countless kids w congenital heart disease. Adults as well. Serious girlfriends, bla bla bla. I don’t judge others here, I listen and try and help. Some people don’t believe in euthanasia but I’ve practiced medicine fir over 10yrs before I had to give it up. And some of us are DNR and people just don’t get it. (Do not resuscitate). Early in my career I couldn’t believe young nurses in their 50s would get DNR tattoo Ed on their bodies. But I get it now.

Organic Ginger root capsules 1100MG off amazon work wonders the beast has come back to hit me bosco but still no shadow since ive been taking these . 2 a day

Happens to most of us if not all. I feel mean, sad angry and I lash out at people all the time. My wife will sometimes remind me that im being an ass and kind of bring it to my attention but she understands why I am this way. As far as staying happy? I just kind of think about the ones I love and I am thankful that this is all happening to me and not them. I can deal with this my own way but if someone else had clusters then I would be one of the ones who just didn't get it. I know it will pass in a few days or weeks and I will feel better again. I am chronic so I have forgotten what it is like to be pain free for more than a day but I do have days that are better then others and I try to enjoy them. Depending no your location you may be picking up some sort of allergy from being out with your horses. you might want to look into the vitamin D3 by our member here know as XXX. I am sorry if you posted about this already and I missed it but how else are you dealing with your clusters? Coming on this site and venting about how your feeling is huge! people here understand and will help you figure it out.