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It most certainly is 'okay'! I know that many here have suffered the same angst that you are going through now. We worry till it shows and really worry if it just teases us with shadows. You have your appointment set for December? Very good. Now, just mark the days off on the calendar. The threat of a cycle can be horrifying. On the other hand, if it fails to show as expected, we are a nervous wreck! I don't think that numbing works. Or perhaps not for me. I keep the meds simple to fight with. Are you doing the D3 Regimen? Have you done it? It can provide amazing help for CH. When in shadow, expectant mode, I prep everything I might need. Make sure that I have my ducks lined up properly to fight. Being nocturnal, I grab caffeine every evening, want it or not and down some. Be it coffee or a caffeine pill. Preventative medicine for me. It also kills shadows. Then, I try to carry on like normal. Sweating it out will not help me, so I don't. I prepare for the worst and wait, confident that I have done all that I know how to do to prevent the beast from kicking my head in when I fall asleep. No matter what, I know that I am in a better place to deal with it here, among friends! ATB!!!!

Snowflake, Stay strong. I know those are only words, but you're in closer company here than you might realize. PFW, J

I would continue to caution and emphasize nuanced differences. Do not let desperation be your guide. There is much confusion regarding psychedelic treatments and expectations. When it comes to psychiatric conditions like PTSD, treatment resistant anxiety, treatment resistant depression and end of life trauma psychedelics act like a conduit to facilitate active therapy. To achieve maximal benefit the psychedelic therapy should incorporate preparation, a psychedelic experience in proper set and setting with a knowledgeable guide/therapist and meaningful integration. This can take many forms and most societies have appropriate folks to serve these roles. Cluster headaches are a bit different. intervention with the psychedelic may actually be therapeutic without all the other support. Sure being properly prepared and tuned in makes the experience positive and certainly the "afterglow" helps deal with some of the life altering effects clusters cause but psychedelics seem to have robust effects in many to space out or stop cluster cycles. We still need better evidence this really works but it sure seems to have promise. So taking ketamine by itself even if the administrator has skills solely related to safe administration has the potential to be effective for cluster headache relief. If you want it for anxiety or PTSD adjunctive therapy is important. If you do pursue seeing a person qualified to administer ketamine therapy be sure to ask them to include some decadron (steroid) and have the high flow O2 available.

@Snowflake Lots of stuff going on my friend. Stay strong and determined. Life is a gift and even if you have to eat shit a lot the times in between offer you an opportunity to make the world a better place. Regarding suicidal ideation. This is very common for clusterheads. We all know its is true and survey data and personal stories all support the disproportional number of folks who choose to exit this earth and reenter the cosmic stream. The option of suicide can be empowering because you have the control NOT To Do It. Its good to have options and no one can take that away. It is much better to deny the beast the pleasure of self destruction and seek ways to improve the world. That way everyone wins. Ketamine has remarkable potential to help break a cycle of suicidal ideation. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4380583/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5356805/ https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/does-ketamine-hold-promise-mitigating-suicide-risk http://scivisionpub.com/pdfs/titrated-serial-ketamine-infusions-stop-outpatient-suicidality-and-avert-er-visits-and-hospitalizations-918.pdf Now pay attention, this is important: The efficacy of ketamine and other classic psychedelics is in the context of knowledgeable directed therapy. These approaches need to be supervised by someone with familiarity and mental health training. The drugs put one in a state of mind to do the difficult work of therapy and get favorable long term results. Sure there are folks who believe they can do it alone, don't need help, the drug itself will get you what you need. This is patently false and dangerous when done by someone who is in mental distress of has an underlying psychological problem. Psychedelics in a mentally healthy person can be a great tool of self exploration but an unstable soul can get in real trouble with self directed trouble. There is an enormous upside to using psychedelics to treat a variety of recalcitrant mental health conditions but individually guided therapy is a recipe for a bad headline. Be strong, stay strong, figure out how to get what you need. Knowledge is empowering